Every since my show I have been having vivid drug dreams. They have varied from me getting high to me trying to get high. I have to tell you, I have not missed having drug dreams and I have woken up everyday for the last week feeling like I have been high. I am having the same withdrawal symptoms I had following my first week of recovery. I am pushing through them and trying to tell myself this is all a part of the healing process.

I hate what I have done to my body, my mind, and my seemingly fragile emotional state. I hate that my choices in life have lead to this disability. My life is a double edge sword, I might not ever have painted without drugs and now I cannot paint without thinking about drugs. It is not a desire to get high, but I am smart enough to know my battle with drugs goes far beyond being sober for five years. In some respects, my battle with drugs has just begun and I am afraid the process of healing will never end.

It was hard to look at the gallery full of my art and believe that something so beautiful could have possibly been inspired by drugs and then I remembered that the collection was inspired by my sobriety, with my drug use playing the role of best supporting actress. I don’t mind paying emotionally or even physically for my addiction, but at some point I want some relief from the mental games. I want to sleep with out fear, but more importantly, I have to push through this torture and share my life, my story, my art, and hopefully save a life or two.