I would like to release you from your guilt and thank you for never giving up on me. I want you to understand that my choices had nothing to do with you. I did not care how you felt and I did not even think of you as I pushed drugs into my veins, you were not a second thought or even a third thought for that matter. My addiction was about me there was no room for you or anyone else in my addiction. Considering your feelings would have been like shooting water in my veins.

You are my Mom and I didn’t care about how my drug use made you feel. I know it hurt you and I still did it. I did it because it was about my life’s journey and me; it was my chosen path to dealing with my pain in life. I was not dealing with pain inflicted by you, so how could it be about you. You might ask, “What could I have done?” The simple answer is nothing, you did what was expected of you, and you did what most mothers do not have the strength to do. You stood back and let me use, you let me live, and you let me control my own destiny and most importantly you loved me…the real me, the addict in me and I never questioned your love.

You are one of the lucky Moms; I have lived to write my story. I have chosen to be the cause of my life and not the effect of it. I am going to live through my addiction in spite of what my daily cravings tell me. It took the death of Alisa for me to start thinking about you and after her death and seeing the pain and sadness that is still in your eyes today. I started thinking about you. I could not let my addiction, my selfish need for a higher state of consciousness be the cause of more pain in your eyes. I could not selfishly usher you to the gravesite of another one of your children, if I am to die, let it not be because I never considered your feelings and how my actions affect your life.

You are my mom and I love you! Your heart is now safe from my inevitable self-destruction.